While I was riding in an international semi truck over break, I realized for the first time that I had/have never been in love, or even close to it. Several times I have mistaken a sort of infatuation with the possible, with the vision of the end of particular loves, but I have never been close to being in love. I have only loved what I thought I saw as reciprocated interest.
I have "learned" to keep myself from talking and even thinking about certain things (in order to keep interest from becoming infatuation) because I think it will hurt (me or her). I have forced myself to keep myself from forcing myself. I have cut off my arms and legs. I have made myself incapable of loving. I have given to myself a security of an intact and unfulfilled life.