less than an hour ago the thought of celibacy blew into my mind and for a split second just a split of a second for the first time in twenty years (that's forever for me) i entertained it

the only thing that i was absolutely sure of that i had never questioned was that i wanted/was going to get married. even as a little kid when all of my peers swore they wouldn't be joined to "one of them" (forever) ever, i would risk what was my prepubescent masculinity just to disagree w/ them.

the times when i lose all my desires, my desire for marriage/meaning/companionship/love/whatever you wanna call it was always the last one to go and the first one to come back. those times didn't affect me like it did today, b/c i always attributed the lack of that desire to the slough (of despond that i was in at the time) But today was different
and
scary

...oh well it was only for a split second, no big