a story in n parts, part 2

His plan was simple. It would be difficult, require unbelievable amounts of self-control, self-analysis, and humility, but still amazingly simple. This was his plan: act normal. He already knew how the average human his height, weight, age, and social status acted. He was constantly surrounded by professionals: physicians, psychologists, biologists, sociologists, and even a few crazy clergymen, who were all always comparing him to “a normal child,” “the average eight-month-old” and so on. He decided to begin immediately. He stopped talking, stopped anal-retentively making his crib, stopped composing poetry, and he even gave up his favorite pastime, making fun of people in his head. In fact, in a matter of a few days he was able to control almost all of his above average brain activity to the point that he even began to forget how smart he really was. This upset him a little bit, so he allowed himself to exercise his full cranial computing capacity on the seventh of every month, his mensiversary.

By his first birthday, his plan was quite successful. Most of the professionals had left, or were working on his parents. Sixteen books were written about his superhuman infancy, one of which was titled, 242 Days of Divinity. Twelve of the books went to great lengths to discount the tests and puzzles and to discredit the doctors that observed him, even the sound recording of his first nine words, (and his last nine until he said, “Momma” nine months later) was “proven” a hoax. One of these twelve books was entitled, Nothing but a Normal Nerd’s Neonate.

On the seventh of October, his 16th mensiversary, he taught himself to read when his parents luckily let him watch closed captioning on C-span with his near deaf grandfather. On the seventh of September he read War and Peace, The Bible, and Moby Dick. On the seventh of November he contemplated these three works and composed a personal philosophy and religion. Twice during the month of November, much to his dismay, he lapsed. He found himself overcome with the desire to practice his religion. The second time he put his situation in grave danger by attempting to become one with the Great White Flame when the last of the psychologists walked in. In a beautiful moment of quick wit, he shat himself and started bawling.